Why Am I Still...? The Question That Started Me On My Path To Awakening
i remember in my late teens and early twenties, my friends and i would laugh and talk about what our lives would be like in our forties. Then, it felt like a far distant future. Would we still be listening to the same music? Wearing different clothes more suited to our age? Would we still be meeting up to go out for drinks? I think we all assumed we would be married and would have kids but we’d laugh and say, “i can’t imagine having children”, “i can’t imagine being 40”.
We’re still friends today. We do wear different clothes. i still listen to a lot of the same music. But i was the one who was still going out dancing at 42 — mainly because i was the only one who had no commitments like children. Or a husband (but they don't stop you from going out do they...).
This was something that plagued me all the way through my thirties. It was a decade of my life i spent either single, or meeting guys i didn’t want to have a serious relationship with.
As the big four-oh crept closer, over the horizon, a niggly voice inside my head repeatedly asked, “why are you still single?” But instead of telling the niggly annoying voice to be quiet (PG version), that it’s perfectly ok to be single, i wanted to figure it out. Because, although i was fine with being on my own, i, like most of us, did want to meet someone to share life with. And i needed to take control of what was going on.
i stepped onto the path of self-discovery
At the turn of my fourth decade on this earth, i launched myself into a time of attempting to unravel the years of chaos that i didn't realise had existed inside of me. i had gone through my life in a foggy haze - or 'fart in a trance'!
It started with counselling and a delve into inner child work - a painful but necessary process, going deep and facing uncomfortable truths. Then it moved on to emotional intelligence, ego work, reparenting, meditation, and journaling.
Within months, i had found myself meandering along the wonky but wonderful golden brick path of self-realisation and awakening. i’d no idea where i would stumble because i soon came to realise, that’s what awakening is like. A stumble. It’s not plain sailing. It’s time. Commitment. And it’s a bit exhausting.
The sooner, the better
At various points along the windy golden path, i’ve had more than a few ‘a-ha’ moments. Each time they happen, it has felt like a piece of the jigsaw has been added. My most recent moment, felt like it was that satisfactory final piece that i needed to pop in the space to complete the full picture. It was the piece that would bring everything together.
Each of these moments have made got me closer to feeling like i was becoming the individual i always was. Shedding the conditioning one a-ha moment by one.
This wasn’t no longer about me being single, or not being able to meet the right guy, it was about unravelling everything i’d experienced throughout my life to find my true self. It was about becoming whole, and never wanting to be someone's 'other half'. This was about me taking control of my sh1t so that i could learn to love myself more than anyone else ever could. i mean they can try if they want, i'm open to that!
This was about being able to forgive myself, my behaviour and my past. i could even thank that version of me because it wasn't really me. i could own my story and not have it weigh me down, afraid and unable to move forward.